Facebook Launches ‘Facebook 365’

A lot of facebook thumbs up
image courtesy of https://pixabay.com/en/users/PeteLinforth-202249/

Zuckerberg released his own personal statement this morning.

“From day one my goal has been to connect people, to break down the barriers between us and this is really just an extension of that. Up till now we’ve been forced to spend 6 to 9 hours a day locked away from our friends and family in our own little bubble. Everyone has just accepted this reality but here at Facebook we are about refusing to accept reality and redefining possible so we said no. Just no. Then we put our best people together and got them working on solutions and that’s how Facebook 365 was born.”

100 high profile bloggers, vloggers and other influencers will this Christmas report to their local doctor to receive the neural implant necessary for Facebook 365. Once “tooled up” they will continue receiving Facebook notifications after they fall asleep. A Facebook spokesperson explains

“Facebook has always been about augmenting life rather than replacing it so, in line with this tradition, your dream state will function normally but when your close friends post a new status update, comment or send you a message this will appear as a small red flag in the corner of your dream. By focusing on the flag you can “click” it and choose to either view the content or to ignore it until you wake.”

So what happens if you want to reply? Facebook explains

“The ultimate goal here was to extend the conversation around the clock but in testing we ran into problems when we allowed people to reply when asleep.”

It would appear that, when asleep, we are either not quite ourselves or are sufficiently disorientated from reality that test subjects made replies that they later regretted when waking. Rumours abound that many replies were emotive, inappropriate and included unwanted propositions and insults. Others were simply absurd with one leak showing the innocent test message “want to get coffee this weekend?” meeting with the inexplicable “We are under attack! Send more tortilla chips!” Facebook declined to comment on the apparent leak or any other test replies but they did explain their solution.

“We’ve always wanted conversations to be authentic and so with this in mind we’ve given users the option to “wake me up” if they’d like to reply to a particular message.”

Facebook 365 will be released to the general public at some point in February.

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